I haven't written for such a long time because I have been in mourning for my grandma. Words have seemed so naive and without their spells’ power up to the very moment. Now, I can speak about that. She is gone and nothing could help that.

The time of experiencing death of the person close to you is a very strange period, in which all the people around become shadows and you become a kind of ghost too. I have never gone through such a difficult time.
13 years ago I lost my grandpa. I was away and one beautiful June’s day I received a phone call with the message of his death. I knew that he had been ill for a long time; I had visited him in hospital. I wasn’t near him in his last minutes. I didn’t see him after his vanishing. Perhaps I was younger and the world was calling for me to return from the path of sorrow. However, I couldn’t get used to the thought that I would never see him again. I often talk to him, believe in his presence.

Now I have allowed myself to immerse into suffering and loss.
I saw my grandma on a day before she left. I told her: “See you tomorrow” and kissed her forehead, caressed her head and smiled sadly. She looked at me reproachfully as she wanted to say: “Can’t you see I am dying.” I can almost hear despair and fear in her voiceless complaint. I prayed not to hear that loudly. I was on the edge. My nerves were frayed.
I had been watching her dying for almost two months. It hurts.
That is blessing that she doesn’t suffer any longer.
There are many things which I have learnt recently and one of them is that you are never prepared for ultimate leaving of someone you love. The part of you dies then. You are unable to be prepared for your own dying.


My Grandma about my age

holiday's over

So many important things have already happened. Death and life have appeared in a very desperate way and scratched my heart painfully.

To start with, I must tell a story about Prague because that one is exceptionally positive in comparision to the rest of stories I collected during summertime.
The story of pictures...



That's the first part of my story about Prague.

The great time – holidays!!!

Some reflections about present holiday:

This year is quite (quite) different. The whole world decided to involve me in few drastic situations, especially based on the subject “Life & Death”.

Most of the people who I treat as a family are attacked by several kinds of diseases. The nightmare of cancer, incurable, destroying, cutting the roots of human feelings enemy, with which the battle is already lost. Only can I observe the slow vanishing.
The medical system is broken down because most people working in are simply the lost in giant, handicapped machinery. They don’t respect human being any more; they don’t treat a life as a miracle. It’s the process of the system which is out of order. The end is always the same so what’s the difference what they do now? What should I think observing someone I love writhing in pain and the so called professional medical staff looking at the suffering with cold eyes, slurping tea, hanging on the phone (in private business), not looking for the origins of the pain but only killing it with popular drugs, only for a moment, only for “fuck off”.

More I walk on the earth, more I want to use the gun. Sometimes putting the gun to the forehead of a responsible one would be the way to persuade him/her that it means he/she is to do something. How many people would stay alive???

lack of time?

upppsss! I have it again. A chronic lack of time. Although, it's funny because comparing the time I have now (time, let's define as 'private') with the time I didn't have about a half a year ago, I really have plenty of it. However, it's not enough. Maybe, it's a matter of a whip-lash which should swish over my head. I don't know. Perhaps, I'm just tired again. Falling deeply into my dreams, into imaginations, into visions... Would like to hang out, would like to sleep peacefully, would like to stop thinking for a minute. Can't stop realising things, analysing them, hipothysing, planning, changing, hopelessness...
That can be the kind of neurosis. I need a rest. A lot of it...

However, when it is a day without duties I can't stop thinking though.
Silence! Have my thoughts silenced!

wwwwwwwgggggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

what about the future?

I've just taken decision. If I have enough of men, I will just go to Sumatra to work with ORANGUTANS, especially baby-ones... As a pedagog I will manage, I promise!

some links:
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/apes/orangutan/
www.orangutans-sos.org/
www.orangutan.org/home/home.php

a moral tale

The story about a dog which didn’t like a man...

There was a dog, red-haired, small, very similar to a small fox with the row of small but extremely sharp teeth. There was a path around the small housing estate. The path led through some bushes and long grass. It was usually used by walkers and dogs.
There was a businessman with a black leather suitcase, crossing the car park, on his way home.
- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

The time stopped. The man skipping with the dog hanging at his leg.
The time exploded.
We observed the businessman discovered some issues about the values of his miserable life. The kind of trauma experience would ever stay in his memory... The dog tasted blood, its eyes more red-brown, teeth wanted more...
What’s the moral?

You don’t know who, when and where will bite to remind you the sense of whatever.

more about spring

Right, uuuhhh...
Spring. Some allergies, some rain and sunny spells... People are coughing and sneezing. They are suffering from the spring. Once did I suffer, few weeks ago? Treacherous sun shone at me and burnt my skin... I looked like a strawberry. Headache couldn’t allow me to think. My reflections were burnt into black ash.

Laziness - the effect of constantly changing weather. It rains, it blows, a little bit of sunshine, it rains again. Very tiring. Just listen to the music and have some dreams, look through the window and eavesdrop others, observe their lives, guess their future... Perhaps, there is somebody who does the same with my existence? What about you who has just read that idea?