some days behind me

A return to the work was a nightmare. I coulnd't get used to the fact that I cannot do what I really need or want at a particular moment. I cannot stand the noise, dust, constant chaos. Probably, I am getting old because I cannot help the feeling that most of the children who have just come, are more rude, annoying and silly, more childlish, too, behaving like 3 year-olds, whereas they are 13. Completely don't know how to speak to strangers, no consciousness of limits. They get my nerves, as to make me feel that in a moment I would say "shut the fuck up or I'll kill you!" I am tired of 13s, maybe that's time to change the goal group, to have something to do with older youth. However, my friends are used to saying that I am an angel, full of patience and understanding. No one would stand those little bustards.
However, there is a bright site - I start later than for last 5 years. That doesn't mean, of course, that I can sleep longer or such. My dog is a perfect alarm clock - each day at 7.00, including weekends (f.....k!). I shoulndn't mention that fact because I work 7 days a week which is the most stupid idea of mine. It doesn't suit me but it is convenient for my students.
What to do? Life is a choice. Unfortunately, sometimes just virtual. Eat or not to eat? The ministry of finance hasn't already signed the salary rises for teachers. Election suiside. Or maybe I am wrong? It would be a suicide if I lived somewhere else. EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE HERE.

some celebrations

Yesterday, one of my best and forever known friends got married in the orthodox church -

ST.Mary Cathedral

(Polish language only). It was a pretty ceremony, full of new customs for me and most people gathered there. During it I discovered how little do I know about different religions in Poland. We live in mostly catholic country, as it's believed and non-stop said in public media (the news are similar to the catholic news). I bet most of young Poles do not know some crucial matters about the religion that is said to be main and which is stronly implemented to schools at the moment. Our fatal minister of education (mister G.) is trying to push the right about obligatory mark of religion on the certificates. His party is trying to make all the people go to churches, pay money and be devoted. He's a big friend of mister Rydzyk - the priest, in whose pockets there are most ruling politicians. Those politicians, i.e. the president, the prime minister, the ruling party, are at the moment paying the price for his support during elections. They are trying to introduce Poland as a religious country like Iran, for example. Some kind of paranoid, indeed.
Never mind, my friend has just got married. They are happy, young, beautiful, passionate and ... orthodox. I suppose I will get know about the religion more these days. To defend some rights we should have the knowledge.

Happy married Basia & Zając - wish you all the best!!!

May

According to my horrible custom not to edit anything exept my silent thoughts, I haven't written for such a long time that I had problems today to sign in.
Anyway, I'm still alive. I've got problems with hearing and I'm experiencing some strange treatment. I'm sick and deaf. Nice...

planning

I'm planning not to spend so much time on thinking about a new story. I'm planning to write it. I'm planning to start my Deutsch homework sooner than 00.00. I'm planning some plans without any plan indeed. Just thought it must be written something to make someone see my existance - I am, breath, wake up and try not to die.

kissing everyone

you can never lose a thing if it belongs to you

"So here's to life and all the joys it brings.
Here's to life to dreamers and their dreams." - Phyllis Molinary

After a week off I am starting to feel something more than fatigue.

I opened my eyes and saw the old street in mud and flooded in rainy weather. People rushing, wind licking backs, humidity under skin, uncovered dirt.
However, the colours have definitively changed. Now I am discovering lots of tinges and tones of dullness...

The holiday as usually is passing extremely fast... Wonderful time, easy, unreserved thoughts, daydreams. Only getting phones to response with a smile to some unpleasant, jealous remarks like 'Oh, you shouldn't bother, anyway, you're having your holiday! So, my sweetheart, use it best until you can!'

I love days free, lazy, loosy and mine. As I cannot sleep long (obvious duties ie. a dog), I enjoy spending much time with myself. Usually I hate moments when my real "me" is loud, unhindered. I feel guilty. Not here, not now. I am looking for solutions, I have realized the need of change. Only a week has passed and I am decided to carry out another revolution in my life. I am to grab the steer again! So that I can direct this rotten tub towards some new goals...

Wish me luck!

"Cause you can never lose a thing,
if it belongs to you." - Abbey Lincoln

NY resolutions

As most of my collegues could discover, we woke up in the new year, older, hung over and rather doubtful about our future. However, everyone has been prescribed by some spirits (maybe exactly!) a very unique medicine for all the problems. We made a list of so called "resolutions", sticked them to the fridge and now our everyday life is verifying them, presented us in a rather poor condition about keeping the word.
Reassuming:
- no one has kicked any habit
- no one studies more
- no one eats less
- no one takes regular training
- one becomes alcoholic
- no one works less
- everyone complains
- some stop thinking
- everyone has problems with sleeping
- one takes too many sleeping pills
- one becomes aware of violence and tries to keep a house safe
- one starts to go out to provoke situations
- one tells lies more often
- my dog gets bigger, stronger but more clever
- I don't write my blog regularly
- I write nothing regularly (diary, blog, articles, poems)
- no one takes care of NY resolutions
- and we are not happy with ourselves again

disappearing

Another year and some important people have already vanished from the path of my life.
I hate realising them under the new name "all saints". I don't remember them being saints. I remind some very human behaviours, some kind of kindness, their smile, the name they had given to me and the way they spoke that, the touch, the sounds... I feel guilty to be alive when I see suffering on faces those whose heart was torn out.
I feel stupid when I cannot believe they are not, I won't hear them, smell or talk to them, never really be with them. I look around with that horrible surprise in my head, is it real?
Year after year, more and more MY people vanish. Just dust, some memories and regret, sorrow and anger. Just scream full of helplessness. Just tears. Nothing I can do for them, only crying, sort of praying, the silent talk...

When I think about Christmas, I want to puke. All those ads everywhere, bloody happy Christmas Fathers with their damn carols! People discovering the power of life with a newborn holy baby. I can feel the power of death, licking my neck again, singing only requiem.

Sorry for that.