disappearing

Another year and some important people have already vanished from the path of my life.
I hate realising them under the new name "all saints". I don't remember them being saints. I remind some very human behaviours, some kind of kindness, their smile, the name they had given to me and the way they spoke that, the touch, the sounds... I feel guilty to be alive when I see suffering on faces those whose heart was torn out.
I feel stupid when I cannot believe they are not, I won't hear them, smell or talk to them, never really be with them. I look around with that horrible surprise in my head, is it real?
Year after year, more and more MY people vanish. Just dust, some memories and regret, sorrow and anger. Just scream full of helplessness. Just tears. Nothing I can do for them, only crying, sort of praying, the silent talk...

When I think about Christmas, I want to puke. All those ads everywhere, bloody happy Christmas Fathers with their damn carols! People discovering the power of life with a newborn holy baby. I can feel the power of death, licking my neck again, singing only requiem.

Sorry for that.