the last day of work

Jesus!
I wouldn't have thought that it could be possible to finish and to survive! But it's the reality, thanks God! Tomorrow morning I've just few tasks and then... The Christmas meeting at work, just playing a very interested person and then... and then... just Hello Freedom, sweet like honey and long - almost two weeks! That's the price of being a teacher in Poland - you earn funny money month by month thinking: 'What the hell am I doing there?!' Although when the last day comes.. like today, you know that maybe for these 16 days of freedom...
yes!

coldness

it's around my neck, just sucking my existance through every cell of the body, mortality...
my bones are frozen, violet and dead
like branches around
only it's wind that covers them
with the whisper of the life
jjjjjjjjjjeeeeeeeeeesssssssssstttttttttteeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmm
...........................................................just a dream of the night

whisper of the night

sssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllleeeeeeeennnnnncccccccceeeeeee!!!

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the winter is comming. faster than everyone had expected or wished...
wouldn't be pleasant to us. she knows we are weaker than ever. has no reason for avoiding her desires. looks at us from the above with the specific sadness in eyes, missing a tear in the fog covered sleeping settlements of humans...
walking in our nightmares we are asking too many questions and loosing whiles for seeking the answers we often call 'truth'. the treasure of ourselves has gone so epochs ago that should be never remembered.

*****************

her face was plain and dead like ice. eyes so cold that makes impossible to have a glance into the soul. if there was any... constantly was waiting and counting crashed lives falling at her feet.

*****************

broken days. interferred by others. chaos of thoughts that are not mine. loosing and passing. whatever - shut up!

*****************

when will I put my finger into the icy snow? connect my body with nature with skin composed of many artificial ingredients? feel the reality? try something with the cause and the effect? be sure - I'm in here, still alive, fighting with the outside. proof for my inner that is complete and waiting? life? spring?

autumn

So it has started. Cold, rainy days, frosty nights and sleepy climate... Pale people with white, foggy thoughts and also the crack of dawn like a wet curtain. Brrrrrrrr.... We all are waiting for a day, very special. The edge, the very sharp border. The day cutting sunny dreams from melancholy and sadness. Hmmm. Shorter days mean shorter hope that the night is going to be late for a moment which allows us to take hands of loving people and go forward just straight. Without hesitation about the death. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not in a half of a year. There is no other way, just to hibernate as everything around. Have beautiful dreams! Or maybe let's have a sparkle of life inspite of the outworld? Good night!

experience

I am a teacher. I work with young people looking for their way of living. Sometimes my job scares me. I am not afraid with a subject or some unpleasant situations which are the part of each work but I am totally stressed while thinking about responsibility: they drink all your words looking at your mouth and you wonder whether there isn't poison flowing out... By accident or maybe not. Evil doesn't sleep and perhaps it can use you for having fun. Young people like puppets and you as a god. Nice vision, isn't it? However, even as the god you are going to be just a tool. What about your own personality and soul? You should shout loudly to overpower chaos. First supposed to be heard by yourself then understood and accepted. Next you can try with others. Everyday - the same battle - the question - Who am I to speak to people, to teach them, to give them something understood like knowledge and skills. Who am I to support them and give them hope and faith in the world? Who am I to be followed and trusted? Just a human, just like others, just no-one. Although I feel it's my way and I know I must go farther and smile at them - looking with light in a direction of unknown...

sleeping

Tooth-ache. Dying. A small element of my machine stopped working. My 'I' is sick. Dying. Looking for a sense of our life. Suffering makes you better. Really? Still remember about dying...

Elephant - the story for rude children ;)

So... yesterday we watched 'Elephant' - a very famous movie that should have moved us deeply. And... it hasn't at all. Being frank, I wouldn't recommend this picture to anyone. That's another example of talking about the world and people in a very popular - 'straight and strike' way. What I have observed recently, all these things about civilisation that annoy us or worry are usually presented like a comics - you've got a picture and the information what's up and there is no place for thinking by a reader - you are supposed to receive a message - a very simple and direct - consume it, no matter what's going to happen further. The idea about art as phenomena that meaning is different for different people, who are rather to receive it and re-create in their minds, rather has disappeared from the modern world. The art we are expected to consume is not complicated - everthing is direct and clear. There is no possibility to make mistake and understand a message in other way that an author was going to.
'Elephant' gave us the impression that youth is rather silly, focused on general look, sex and hurt by the previous generation. Sex isn't an individual experience any more - it's for the knowledge and usage of everyone, it's public. Bulimia and anorexia nervosa touch only stupid blondies (quoquoquo). Homosexualists are never understood by others and never their positive dreams come true (they can be dangerous also). Their position in a modern society is rather clear - connected with general tolerance. That's bad - a screen-writer says - you never know what's going to happen if such a homosexualist is hungry... Or maybe homosexuality is the problem of boredom and feeling that all you do is hopeless - the inferiority complex? Another discovery was the influence of computer games on young people (the game was also very clear and direct - ridiculous!). The same with TV. And this lack of basic knowlegde... Oh, it can be - it is possible among our know-all youth (ignorance according to knowledge still increasing). There was a mix of stereotypes that caused a bloody massacre - a specific holocaust, as the writer says - just for fun.
I don't say the issues showed in this film aren't important. They are very crucial for our future - because next generation is the future. All the matters are destructive for people and we must find the solutions. What's wrong? Why don't we like it at all?
If there is something that is supposed to knock-out you completely and despite this, it just clapped... It's just funny.
"Enny menny minny moe..."

ps1. the chant killed us with this pseudo intellectual paraphrase....
ps2. there was something we liked - the pictures

Some sadness for 'Hallo'

OK so I am in here - in a great world of skilled and perhaps intelligent people.
My English isn't perfect, so I want to apologise for all mistakes I make.
I live in Poland - in Eastern Europe (it hasn't been a part of Russia as thousands think). Through my window I can see the suburb of the capital, the greatest city in Poland - Warsaw. I can also see the Palace of Culture and Science - the gift from Our Big Brother of the Past (we had a choice - the Palace in which so many public institutions or the underground - we made a choice, so now we had only few metro stations and The Palace isn't for people any more - just private organisations, summarizing - now we have got nothing indeed).
It's autumn, rainy, cloudy, cold, the Sun stopped visiting us a week ago. Typical English weather, I suppose.
I am ill. Therefore I can sit in my room, looking around, surfing and wondering about life itself. I've got time today to think, however, it's not my day ;) So much to do, so much to say, so much to write, so much to exist... Never be late. Always perfect. And the illness, battle of my organism - hate it. Feel weak, passing, flimsy like a glass. Just one element is out of order and the whole machine is failing. Just a human being... Not a perfect computer as so many scientists believe in, not a perfect creature as so many priest say, not even a well-working installation as so many artists pray. In spite of hundreds of years of our progressive development we are still weak or even weaker than before. We lost faith, we lost hope, our mind is believed to be strong (although look only at people around you - isn't it a myth?). Our body is dependent on some medicines and pharmaceutical evollution; commercial market increase (clothes, houses, food etc.) and some disasters prepared for us by politics.
Today I read in Der Spiegel that next 14 whales died according to some human activities. Brilliant we are! So strong! So cruel! We feel masters of the Earth forgetting we aren't alone. Sometimes I feel the strange chaos that is going to come in the nearest future. Sometimes I feel I'm in it since I was born. The chaos I can observe really started about 20 years ago. The values of the old world collapsed, another - have changed. We are receding, backing in our human development, still calling it a progress. The question: is it our bielief or is it our hope to believe? Depends, as everything, on an individual. As I think, millions still don't use their brains, are manipulated as puppets, although so much is being said about their consciousness, they are blind and deaf. Only few are able to think, create and look into future with resposnibility. It isn't connected with graduation at school or master's degree, studies or certificates. It isn't connected with scientists, econimists, programmers and other educated people. It isn't connected with education itself. Hard to find some really open minded people in edu systems. The main problem is to understand not mechanisms or proccesses but feeling the responsibility for others. Everyday. We can call it 'love', 'consciousness', 'hope' or 'faith' - these all say the one thing: take care of someone near you. So simple and so forgotten. Sorry...