disappearing

Another year and some important people have already vanished from the path of my life.
I hate realising them under the new name "all saints". I don't remember them being saints. I remind some very human behaviours, some kind of kindness, their smile, the name they had given to me and the way they spoke that, the touch, the sounds... I feel guilty to be alive when I see suffering on faces those whose heart was torn out.
I feel stupid when I cannot believe they are not, I won't hear them, smell or talk to them, never really be with them. I look around with that horrible surprise in my head, is it real?
Year after year, more and more MY people vanish. Just dust, some memories and regret, sorrow and anger. Just scream full of helplessness. Just tears. Nothing I can do for them, only crying, sort of praying, the silent talk...

When I think about Christmas, I want to puke. All those ads everywhere, bloody happy Christmas Fathers with their damn carols! People discovering the power of life with a newborn holy baby. I can feel the power of death, licking my neck again, singing only requiem.

Sorry for that.

it's winter

few days ago I wrote about autumn. cold, windy, rainy... today it's cold, windy but snowy. anyway... I wasn't taught at kindergarden that seasons past so quickly. just seven days... interesting discovery for an oldy girl. my puppy has already got friends with Ms Winter. they like playing together. enjoyable view, must I say. less enjoyable was the fight with a drier. my doggy gave up, shaking. I'm the bitchy bitch for her, I suppose. a little blackmail expected. with a sausage... what a shame!

it's autumn

and leaves are falling down. it's getting colder and colder. in the morning you cannot see faces, just eyes above a scarf, some sight deep in the hood, strangers with no exact look. only clothes rushing. scary the autumn in the morning is. carrion-crows. ghost-like. cementarious. silent. waiting for resurrection. brrrr

method to write regularly

Six months later…

As everyone can observe, I am not a very regular writer. Frankly speaking, I am not even a very irregular writer.

I have a negative feature. I always look for something more interesting to do. I must do twenty things in the same time, I must focus on a few very important matters, I must do some more engaging activities than I should. I tried to write a diary in which I marked a level of priority to each activity that came to my mind. Unfortunately, while doing them, I discovered another thousand, of high priority, of course.

The problems are to be solved. No idea how but I must do something about it. To be consistent? To be systematic? To be methodical? I can’t see that. However, I must. We’ll see…

Easter story

it's said that there was a son of the god who came to the land of sinners. It's said that he died for our salvation. It's said that we are sinners because we are born as humans who had very disobedient parents - Adam and Eve. It's said that it's their fault that some of us are going to fry in hell. Very sad story about the world, isn't it? It's believed that we can escape from the circle of destiny if we are Christians. In other way, we will die without hope which Christians are given every year in the time of Easter.
The man is hanging on the cross, several copies in each town. He's tortured and exhausted and suffering extremely. He's painful and sad. He has almost lost his faith. However, the great aid - DEATH is rescuing him and taking to the kingdom of Father. We are sitting with our families around the table and celebrate the moment of his Resurrection. Because it's said that he returns every year and starts the path across our hearts to let us die and resurrect on our own.
Today, on Good Friday, we are hanging on the cross, tortured, exhausted and suffering extremely. We are looking forward to die.

four months

hmmm. Amazing is "time". It's April now. I'm older and I lost my friend. My world broke into millions of pieces. I was depressed and now... Now I start talking about it. It was a scene in one film that two guys are talking about their sister who has already died and one says: "Go home and check. Potatoes are boiling in a pot, nothing has really changed in your life". Incredible. It's a very slight change, although it is, it really modifies your thinking about the world, yourself, surrounding, days, time, love. It doesn't change your life dramatically but it changes you completely.
So, it's April now and I begin to live a quite normal life. Four months. Quite a long time indeed.
My work makes me sad and hopeless. I can't stand some strange ways of thinking. Problems which are not problems and problems which are problems however there is nobody to admit: there is a problem, really.
Try to play someone's game
and you are lost,
can't win because
there are other rules
which don't suit you,
it's not your skin.
Try it on
and look
like in a mask,
like in disguise.
Cannot live
in someone else,
try another day
to find your own way.
So easy to write, so hard to act.

Gothic party in NoMercy

We had a very nice time at the gothic New Year's Eve in the club No Mercy. A lot of good music, two separated rooms, many interesting people, tasty drinks and wonderful arrangements. Some pics available on www.gothic.pl. Enjoy.