welcome, Lord Paradox!

everyday I invite you with an open heart, open mind, constantly open, with fear or amusement, eyes. wherever I go, I am certain to meet you, sometimes I consider this unavoidable expectation with masochistic pleasure. we are used to giving the name of the paranoid to such a phenomena. unfortunatelly, that is one of the greatest paranoid in the world. the fact that we even try to give names to feelings or things we are unable to understand. how dare we? where is going a man with a candle full of incredible lack of knowledge that keeps in front of his every activity? with the belief of his power and possibility. hmmm

Rest in Peace

you learn important things in your life just in few seconds.
you start discovering your way when you have lost so many paths that you feel despair and lack of hope. then you notice that the way you are on, is just yours.
choose life. it is the response - you have to choose life.
whatever would happen afterwards, you have your dreams.
first you have to live.
next you have to die.

tribute to Magda's mother who left us on my birthday.

lack of passion

so that I have lost the passion. cannot feel anything - positive, nor negative. just boredom. just exaustion. horrible prediction that it will be up to the very end. if it changes, I will find happiness.

once upon a time there was a girl who lost her passion of life. she woke up in the beautiful, sunny morning and felt nothing. she saw a smile on faces of her people but she could not have found the origin of her emptiness. she was unable to create any grimace, any gesture. she had power over her body, she knew that if she wanted, she could move as a human being was used to doing. therefore it was not phisical unability. problably she lost the connection between her thought and outdoor reality. maybe she could not find herself on the earth, among others. it was painful loneliness that she felt very deeply in her heart. on the surface of her, there was any sign of life. it was cold and absent. her eyes focused on the farthest region of human perception. no emotion in her nerves. however, death was visiting opposite lands and had no aim to arrive then. she called her names in vain, death was not interested in. the girl stood up and started going. days passed and she was going straight on, missing her everyday problems, relationships, needs and dreams. there was no gate, no evacuation, no escape. only a road of thoughts in front of her, spiral, straight, sometimes sharp and dangerous, sometimes mild and fragrant with life and joy. she could not feel anything about her way. kept going, so cold, unconcerned and uninterested. she was observed by the angel of brightness whose eyes were full of sorrow. he was not able to touch her. she would stop and never find her way out. there was the hope in this darkness of her life. if keep going, there was a shine of possibility to enter the way to something. the gate of the labirint of hoplessness and nothing.
do not stop her on the way - add your hope to the thought of bright angel.

authorities

today I was wondering about the sens of authority. I come from very specific country that people are used to calling 'post-comunist' that is not exactly so, just such a simplification which unables some brains with opening...
in our schools 'authority' was rather serious matter. it based on power, strength and punishment. now such a situation cannot exist as we have something like 'democracy'. noone denies that this system is actually disable too (has hardly existed without slaves; now we can observe what it means in radical-capitalist's world) but it's better than anarchy, they suppose. it's not so obvious in our schools, especially, according to the sad fact of so many crime cases (connected with aggression, drugs, sex-play and no childhood any more) which are constantly happening there.
however, about authority... well, there is no legal authority at all. there is only a kind of myth left that is artificially sustained by old generation of teachers who used to play roles of authority once (have no idea what for!). they are not ready to understand the everyday battle without this magic word. and they have to.
I don't think it's good to leave children without the feeling that there is one who takes care of them. it's drastic - they feel alone and they must look after themselves what is ridiculous (and how it can be different!). they play adults and... find their own authorities based on power, strength, punishments... interesting!
what is our role? to become tutors and friends - some kind of leadership is our role, actually. we can't play roles from baby-tales because there is noone who believes in them any more! we can only give them our hand when they need it and try to lead them another path...


btw. I hated authorities at school and I was very close to become an anarchist - typical! maybe it can play in other direction - if there is nothing but chaos, they can feel tired of it and deserve some kind of order - with our little help, of course!

why not to write in the foreign language?

sometimes friends ask me why I write my blog in the foreign language. there is no special reason, indeed.
maybe - I try to exercise my english or to reshape my thoughts into not-polish form or to interpret my feelings from the point of view of the total stranger.
when you use a different language from your natural, you use absolutely another cultural code. therefore your thoughts are more open to different meanings, they become postmodern. one can say that such a situation is typical even for the natural language, even though someone has been brought up in a concrete environment, the other people can 'read' him or her different even from his or her intention.
each form of communication have got several meanings. we can watch the same tv programme and understand it in another ways, the same with books, articles, news, conversations etc.
although in the situation of using completely another code (another language), these meanings are constantly multiplying.
the very difficult piece of art - try to make people understand you as you wish. however, tricking can help you avoiding some misunderstanding. writing isn't anything else but cheating... often with your own personality...
multiplying, multiplying... guess who am I!

what is with these children?

sometimes I just can't believe that they are children. not of the revolution, babe, not at all. they are half children, on fourth babies and the last one - adults.

first question - who is like who?
children try to be like adults. they wear the same clothes, have make-up, make love, watch the same kind of pictures, play the same computer games, talk about whatever - just exactly as they parents and other adults do.
adults try to be like children. they wear the same clothes, have make-up, make love, watch the same kind of pictures, play the same computer games, talk about whatever - just exactly as they parents and other adults do.

second question - is the history circulating indeed?
once upon a time, it was the domination of adolescents. childhood didn't exist at all. any toys, any clothes, any personalities. only tools in adults' hands. to work or to get married... then things changed. children had the period when they could be children, they were given some space and time. next the revolution introduced some improvements. children started to have more time and more space than ever. after this short period and few great wars made by adults, children received more power to forget about the cruel past. now they have more space but no time for being children at all. they are everywhere, they conquere the world. however, they are not the future any more.

third question - where should I go?
being lost in fears, I can't believe in anything, find the right way. they seem to call for help although there is something in front of them that doesn't allow me to pass the barrier between my world of values and their wolrd of pleasure. they stopped on the moment of genital phase (Freud): 1. oral because they feel pleasure, want only to feel pleasure, oral = speaking whatever they think, they say loudly, they need to speak, they are by speaking. there is no super-ego 2. anal - they love possesing, they gather things around, different objects, space, they want to absorb your whole attention to make you their. hate sharing. 3. phallic - they are totally fascinated with sex and their bodies. don't see any disproportions, ugliness. they are concerned only on materia, spirit or soul exist only in books, however they don't read them so don't know. they are also full of fear relating their sexuality, they have complex of Edyp, Electra... therefore they are so urge to receive super-ego to forget about nightmares... ufortunatelly, super-ego has disappeared somewhere in the universe. children are imprisoned at the edge of this breaking through phase. cannot go farther. the way is forbidden. civilisation stopped at the age of seven...

the last day of work

Jesus!
I wouldn't have thought that it could be possible to finish and to survive! But it's the reality, thanks God! Tomorrow morning I've just few tasks and then... The Christmas meeting at work, just playing a very interested person and then... and then... just Hello Freedom, sweet like honey and long - almost two weeks! That's the price of being a teacher in Poland - you earn funny money month by month thinking: 'What the hell am I doing there?!' Although when the last day comes.. like today, you know that maybe for these 16 days of freedom...
yes!